Where Stars Fall
. . . fanfiction inspired by Gensomaden Saiyuki. Standard disclaimers apply.slightly AU
Every night, the same dream.
Always the same room. Always the same cold tiled floor. Always the same sterile mechanical space. Always the same unwavering gaze.
She seems to strain against invisible bonds, stopped short by the web of criss-crossing wires and talismans. Melting into the pillar, converging into the walls. Caught between two worlds. Her face is unreadable. It would have been easier, if he could divine her expression. There is no mouth stretched wide in agony, no features contorted by pain.
Do stone eyes see suffering and comprehend? Do stone ears hear the lament of the ones left behind, the prayers of the son? Do stone lips wish to break free, to speak reassurance, to soothe the cries of the child?
The goddess watches. The goddess listens. The goddess comforts in her own way.
He wakes up with her name on his lips.
"Mother..."
He has not spoken. He has not moved. Only staring intently at the living statue, fists at his side, perfectly still. Seeking the answers. Seeking the truth. There is shelter in her presence. A measure of respite, from the incessant summons of the false-empress, the women masquerading in her place.
She stands outside, peering into the gloom. It has taken her days to muster enough courage, and only the foolhardy would enter such a delicate situation without planning. Her lord needs his privacy, but she needs to speak to him alone, and now is the time. She will not let a rare chance slip by.
She squares her shoulders and steps into the room.
The air in here is colder. In the dim light she sees him, gazing upwards at an obscured spot. She stands a respectful distance away.
"My lord." She waits for his acknowledgement, for his dismissal.
"Yaone." His voice is rough with disuse, and it echoes faintly in the empty space. "Come closer."
She takes a few hesitant steps and breathes in sharply at what she sees.
Suspended in time, aching and ethereal, fine-etched ageless grace and beauty. Through the intersect of wards and wires recognition comes in a heady rush of vertigo.
I know that face.
"The goddess," she breathes, and he turns to stare. "I-I saw her... and I thought... and the first word t-that... that came to my mind... ..." she stammers. "I... I... ..."
"Yaone." She stops. "Have you seen her before?"
She shakes her head. "No, my lord. Who is she?"
"She is my mother."
She drops her eyes. "Oh... your mother... ..." she echoes faintly.
"You said she was the goddess." She blushes at this. "The goddess... can you... explain?"
"Forgive me, my lord, but you sound like..."
"Someone who has lost his faith?" He finishes for her.
She shakes her head. "Someone who is unsure of what to believe in anymore."
"Isn't that the same?"
"It depends on how you look at it." She trails her eyes over the high beams, and her voice at once seems both near and far-off. "All flows from one source. The one source manifests itself in many ways. The endless cycle of life and death and rebirth. There are many things."
"Speaking in riddles, Yaone?"
"I must ask the same of you, my lord." She inclines her head. "Do you see in black and white, or in shades of grey?"
Why does he find himself falling so easily into this rhythm of question and answer? "Good and evil? It is your point of view that dictates the division." The words come to him like water bubbling up from a stream, easily spoken but hard to take back. As soon as they leave his mouth, he wonders why he said them.
What do they mean?
"We all have beliefs that fuel us." She steps closer. "I do not pretend that I understand everything." She laughs softly. "I am far from enlightenment."
"We are all far from enlightenment," he says softly.
"There are no words to explain a paradox." The shadows flicker across her face. "Some things we question. And we move on."
"Why?"
"Would you spend your whole life questioning, only to find that a lifetime has passed and all you have are empty reasons?"
"What if there are no reasons?"
She sighs. "What if indeed."
"So, what do I do, Yaone?"
"Keep believing in what you have always believed in, my lord."
Simple truths. Simple words. They have sustained me long enough.
"What do you believe in?"
She opens her mouth and is overwhelmed by the reasons and excuses she finds. She picks her words carefully, because she will not let herself lie to him to escape the true question. "I... ... I cannot be mistaken for noble. I cannot be mistaken for selfless," she begins slowly. "I believe in here. I believe in now. I believe in duty. I believe in devotion. I believe in serving my lord."
He regards her silently.
"This is the truth I offer you."
She has that smile of hers again. I can't tell whether she's ready to laugh or cry.
"Thank you."
"Ah...?" She blinks. "You are most welcome."
"What was it you wanted to talk to me about, Yaone?"
She laughs, waving her hand as if to dispel the question. "It can wait for another day. Sorry to have disturbed you." She turns to hurry out. Then, as if as in afterthought, she pauses in the doorway. "Oh, and, Kougaiji-sama!"
"Yes?"
"Do not doubt. She hears you. She hears all of us."
Why does that sound so familiar?
He stretches out a hand to her. "Yaone... ..."
But she is already gone.
He dreams.
It is dark and it is warm. Like a mother's womb. And tonight he rests easy.
She is watching him sleep.
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